The Brightest Sunshine

Have you listened to the album of Taylor Swift, yes the newest one, the “evermore”. I have to be honest, before the Lover album, I kinda feel disconnected to her songs. Never been following her story before too, but I got it all figured out after my bestie explained about her issue with her previous label. This pandemic era, she surprised us with “folklore”. I was so happy because I got to see this shadows of her. I’m starting to feel connected again with her songs. Not enough with that surprise, this December she launched the sister of folklore, it is the evermore. What I wanna talk about now is about this very special song, for me, “marjorie”. The first time I listened to it, I don’t know what happened in my brain, but I suddenly cried. Like almost the whole song. I listened to it again, and I cried again. Oh why.

So I googled it. Turned out, there are many of her fans who also cried listening to this beautiful song. This song is created for her grandmother, named Marjorie. And it made me even crying more. Because it reminded me of my grandmother. The one whom I called “mamih”. She was the brightest sunshine in our family. And I just realized, I haven’t made a special note about her.

I was almost 10. I had experience the first loss in my life. I still remember that day, when I was picked up by the driver of our family. I knew what day it was. The day when my grandmother is being operated because of her heart problem. I was alone, when the driver told me, “Mamih is dead..”

What. The. I was frozen at that moment. I was still a child, trying to process the words, but I heard it clearly. I knew what happened, but I still said “You lied!”. The journey from my school to the house was felt so long. I was crying in the car. I was trying as hard as I can to hide my tears from the driver. I lost her. The one whom I aspire to be. The one who has inspired me. The one who was almost without flaws. I lost her. I lost her on my mother’s birthday. Can you imagine how did it feel like to be my mom? Because I can’t.

What was like her to us? I told you she was the brightest sunshine, right. Because I couldn’t find the words that would suit to her perfectly other than that. Everyone in our family was so sad. She is the kindest soul I have ever met. Everyone feels devastated. I still remember how hard her brothers and sisters were crying because of it. If you’re in a big family like her, having arguments or differences in opinion were very usual thing. But one thing that I know, my grandmother was always be the one who connected her siblings, she was the bridge of the opposites. She was the glue in her family. She was the glue in our family. Her siblings love her very much. I just knew recently that her little brother who happened to have lived with her and her family for a long time, was crying so hard on the day she died. He was the kind of cool guy one, so it was almost unbelievable that he was crying. One day, when he was reminiscing my grandmother, he even told my mom, “You can never be as good as your mother. No one can ever be..”

She was funny. She “lights” the room wherever she was in. She was also so strong and powerful. However, she was never been too intimidating because she was humble. She touched everyone’s heart to their very core. Therefore, she held a special place, in everyone’s heart. She was so close to me. I almost believed that I was her youngest child. Because as far as I remembered, I spent almost all my holidays with her. And I remember my holidays more than any other usual days, you know. When my mother and father were to busy taking care of my little brothers, I was always with her. Spent time in Bandung, where she lived for a long time with my grandfather. Going to central java together by car with my uncles and my grandfather. I had the best memory of my holidays whenever I was with her. When her health condition was worsening, she moved to Jakarta, then my family live with her and my grandfather. I used to sleep right next to her. She used to tell me a beautiful story before going to bed. Many stories with many lessons from it. And I remembered one message that she always said to me. “Be a tough woman when you grow up.” I didn’t understand before. How to be a tough woman? What is tough? But she always said that very particular message. I almost feel I can listen to her voice now, saying this words to my ears, softly. And so I believe that she indeed was a very tough woman herself. I was her first grandchild, maybe she wanted me to be tough because she wanted me to be like her. Because she knows that this world would never be easy.

From her, I learned the word of tough in a special way. I learned that we don’t have to be rude to be tough. We can still be very heartwarming and kind and funny and cheerful, and in the same time, we are tough. I know that she is a natural born leader, however she never had looked irritating, she lead politely in everywhere. A very special personality that I never get to met in other persons.

So when I listened to this “marjorie” song, I was like. Can’t hold my tears anymore. Because, I realized that I miss my grandma. I miss her so much, that I wish I could listen to her stories more. I wish I could learn from her more. But I know, the most important thing right now is I wish her the best place up there.

My grandmother and the little me.
My grandmother and the little me.

Till we meet again, Mamih.

P.S. Thank you Taylor Swift for creating such a touching song. Thank you for remind me this very special feeling that I had to my grandmother.