About Friends

What makes you feel grateful today?

From the moment we wake up, until we close our eyes for that day, we should be grateful for everything. The fact that we live itself is a blessing. But for some people, there are some things that are more meaningful and valuable than the others. Besides the lovely family that I have. My second treasure is my friends.

I still remember the day when I was a kid, being so listless going to school. Because simply I didn’t think I had enough friends back then. I don’t know about other kids, I believe that every kid has their own challenge when they go to school. For me, the academic was not really an issue. Thank God, I could digest the lesson in school properly. But for socializing. It was the total opposite. Back to a few years, before I even go to school, I looked at myself as a cheerful child. If I saw my old photobooks, I saw a lot of smiles when I was a toddler. I was the first grand child so I received a lot of love back then. I looked so optimistic in my old picture. But that was not long. Until I go to school, and meet real people other than my family. Everyone seems so tricky.

It was rain, and I was playing with my neighbor friend. But she did something that upset me. I was running from her house to go back home. It seems like yesterday when I cried because of something that I don’t even remember. But sadly, I still remember the pain. My life in elementary school was the most challenging time for me. I thought, I could make friends easily. I thought everybody is kind and nice. But that’s not the case. I was struggling to make friend, and slowly, the smiles that I always put on my face since I was a toddler, disappeared. If I see my old pictures from elementary school, I saw someone who is so sad, not confident, and want to run away from the world.

Therefore, when I sit quietly like now. Reflect to the friendship I’ve been made since I graduated from my elementary school up until now. I am so so so grateful. Some of them are the friends whom I never thought I would meet. Someone who understands me even before I explain anything. Someone who give me comfort when I need. Someone who help me during my crazy and chaotic situation. Someone who give me a lot of presents. Someone whom I can talk deeply. Someone whom I shared the same perspective with. Someone whom I adore. Someone whose thoughts that I look up to. Someone who have the same dream and vision. Someone who could really see me. Someone who are worried whenever I “disappear”.

To my dear friends, you know who you are.

You all have a special position in my heart. I thank you for your presence. I thank God for you being born. I love you all..

And this one was a gift for me. A video that made by some of my besties for my birthday.. I think I really need to look at this from time to time. To remind me, that there are people who love me. Omg they are so cute..

Laughing so hard listening to them. Oh when can we have this quality time together again…

2020 – note to myself

We all know what kind of year 2020 is. Sometimes, I really don’t get it when we celebrate the new year. I mean, the difference of 2020 and 2021 is a second away. Nothing really big anyway. Why should we celebrate a new year? But then again, maybe, we just need a reason to be with other people. To sit together, to talk, to eat together, to meet up with friends and family. We need a “special occasion” or “big things” so that we would not have mind to waste a couple of hours, driving far, get tired, preparing the foods, cooking, washing the dishes and cleaning up the house again.

But 2020 is a different year for me. I still remember that last year, at least, I still spend time together with my big family. With my aunties, uncles, cousins… we eat together, walk together. But not with this year. Pandemic happened and that’s been changing everything.

Last year I wrote the last decade lessons. Something that I’ve learnt from a couple of years. But somehow, I feel like I want to write again. The big thing like pandemic have taught us many things. I want to make a note for myself. So that I could remember what kind of year it was for me.

This year is a bit special for myself because despite of the pandemic, I actually have done the things that I’ve been wanted for a long time.

  1. I published my short story in an anthology book. It was an indie publishing house. But I’m still happy because of it. Moreover, I had many feedbacks and messages from the reader (who are mostly my friends of course. Thank you all.) that said they are touched by the stories. Some of them even cried because of it. It was beyond my expectation. I finally know how is the feeling to be able to connect with people through writings.
  2. My book club mates Baca.Rasa.Dengar (BRD) is published the first book too. I also contributed in that book. We shared our point of view about books, stories, characters and many things. My book club is even bigger and more active during the pandemic. We had many online sessions, book review with some authors too. I am so glad to be able to get knowledge from various perspectives and various profession through this book club. What I love the most is our sharing session. I hope 2021, will be even better for BRD.
  3. I wrote about Kdrama for Jakartapost newspaper. Of course I didn’t do it alone. My friend who is a journalist helped me a lot in structuring the article. But I am so happy that I could share my point of view about Kdrama. I don’t know who read that article. But I hope someone out there is inspired by that article and could try my Kdrama recommendation. Oh, it is published on 8 December. But I am sad I couldn’t buy the newspaper.
  4. My interest and concern to the environment is getting bigger this year. Since I’ve been responsible for Sustainable Finance in my office. I am started to rethink about my habit also. I was so touched by the fact that for all this time, I didn’t really care about the environment. I didn’t really have an awareness about the impact of whatever I’ve done. So I promised to my self to be better. I know I am late. But better late than never. I have been starting to sorting my waste and recycling. I also try to use less plastic bags. And for my office, I was happy that I could organize the online sharing session, collaborating with WWF Indonesia to share about Sustainable Finance to my coworkers, especially the ones who are involved in financing process. I also learn about renewable energy more in 2020. Having many friends who accidentally worked in renewable energy industry also helped me. We often shared each other’s perspective and knowledge. We never know that maybe later we could work together, or have a project together, etc. I know that many people still don’t really care about this. But I believe that saving the environment will be our big project in the future. We need to do this to be able to live. So someone, had to start to do it. It was hard for me. But I am happy to get so many blessings and helps from other people too. Together we can!
  5. I still enjoy drawing. Yeah, I was drawing for other people mostly. But every time I finished my drawings. I feel somehow content. Moreover, when I know the ones who get my drawings were happy and likes them. I know that my drawing skill is nothing compare to many illustrators and artists out there. Yeah there are so many talented people. But I believe we can never have enough artists. Every household needs at least one. So that our life could be more colorful.
  6. I reconnected my my old self as a gamer girl. Since my brother bought video games when pandemic started (PS4), I think the one that use it more now is me rather than my brother. Lol. I can’t believe that I am still excited by those games. Oh, and the game is getting marvelous by each year. Sometimes it feels like watching a movie. Sometimes it thrills me. My favorite games this year were Resident Evil remake (of course), Horizon Zero Dawn (yeah to female first), and Ghost of Tsushima (Japanese philosophy is never boring).
  7. I also learn in 2020 that it was really hard for me to understand people who have a different perspective. I thought it will be easy to agree to disagree. But the fact it was really hard. I am still learning about it. But I think, what you need to listen is your conscience. You know what is right for you when your conscience also agree to it. The problem is, not everyone have the clear conscience. And my conscience could getting dull too. Therefore, we need to keep it as pure as possible. Surrounding yourself around the people who shares the same view is important. So that you don’t get crazy. Lol. That’s why, when you meet the people who are connected to you, you have to try as hard as possible to keep them. You have to try for your relationships with them. People like that are really hard to find.

I regret the fact that as I work from home a lot in 2020. I also couldn’t keep with my exercise schedule. I previously do yoga in my office every Tuesday, and every Saturday with my class near home. But I couldn’t keep doing that. I also miss swimming so much. I really really hope that I could get back doing my favorite sport in the future.

As I travelled less in 2020, I didn’t use my camera so much. I actually miss photo hunting. Strolling around in new places and taking their pictures. Some people are traveling for fun, for shopping or maybe to try new experience. For me, most of the time, I travel to take pictures. I should have been going to South Korea for autumn. I even bought the plane tickets with mom and my little sister. We were sad of course. But the most important thing right now is to survive this pandemic. Many people loss their job. Some loss their homes. Some even loss their loved ones. Losing my opportunity to travel is considered to be nothing. Nothing at all.

Maybe what we need for every new year is not a celebration. Maybe what we need is hope.

And we can get it from anywhere.

So let’s hope that we could become our better self in the coming year.

The Brightest Sunshine

Have you listened to the album of Taylor Swift, yes the newest one, the “evermore”. I have to be honest, before the Lover album, I kinda feel disconnected to her songs. Never been following her story before too, but I got it all figured out after my bestie explained about her issue with her previous label. This pandemic era, she surprised us with “folklore”. I was so happy because I got to see this shadows of her. I’m starting to feel connected again with her songs. Not enough with that surprise, this December she launched the sister of folklore, it is the evermore. What I wanna talk about now is about this very special song, for me, “marjorie”. The first time I listened to it, I don’t know what happened in my brain, but I suddenly cried. Like almost the whole song. I listened to it again, and I cried again. Oh why.

So I googled it. Turned out, there are many of her fans who also cried listening to this beautiful song. This song is created for her grandmother, named Marjorie. And it made me even crying more. Because it reminded me of my grandmother. The one whom I called “mamih”. She was the brightest sunshine in our family. And I just realized, I haven’t made a special note about her.

I was almost 10. I had experience the first loss in my life. I still remember that day, when I was picked up by the driver of our family. I knew what day it was. The day when my grandmother is being operated because of her heart problem. I was alone, when the driver told me, “Mamih is dead..”

What. The. I was frozen at that moment. I was still a child, trying to process the words, but I heard it clearly. I knew what happened, but I still said “You lied!”. The journey from my school to the house was felt so long. I was crying in the car. I was trying as hard as I can to hide my tears from the driver. I lost her. The one whom I aspire to be. The one who has inspired me. The one who was almost without flaws. I lost her. I lost her on my mother’s birthday. Can you imagine how did it feel like to be my mom? Because I can’t.

What was like her to us? I told you she was the brightest sunshine, right. Because I couldn’t find the words that would suit to her perfectly other than that. Everyone in our family was so sad. She is the kindest soul I have ever met. Everyone feels devastated. I still remember how hard her brothers and sisters were crying because of it. If you’re in a big family like her, having arguments or differences in opinion were very usual thing. But one thing that I know, my grandmother was always be the one who connected her siblings, she was the bridge of the opposites. She was the glue in her family. She was the glue in our family. Her siblings love her very much. I just knew recently that her little brother who happened to have lived with her and her family for a long time, was crying so hard on the day she died. He was the kind of cool guy one, so it was almost unbelievable that he was crying. One day, when he was reminiscing my grandmother, he even told my mom, “You can never be as good as your mother. No one can ever be..”

She was funny. She “lights” the room wherever she was in. She was also so strong and powerful. However, she was never been too intimidating because she was humble. She touched everyone’s heart to their very core. Therefore, she held a special place, in everyone’s heart. She was so close to me. I almost believed that I was her youngest child. Because as far as I remembered, I spent almost all my holidays with her. And I remember my holidays more than any other usual days, you know. When my mother and father were to busy taking care of my little brothers, I was always with her. Spent time in Bandung, where she lived for a long time with my grandfather. Going to central java together by car with my uncles and my grandfather. I had the best memory of my holidays whenever I was with her. When her health condition was worsening, she moved to Jakarta, then my family live with her and my grandfather. I used to sleep right next to her. She used to tell me a beautiful story before going to bed. Many stories with many lessons from it. And I remembered one message that she always said to me. “Be a tough woman when you grow up.” I didn’t understand before. How to be a tough woman? What is tough? But she always said that very particular message. I almost feel I can listen to her voice now, saying this words to my ears, softly. And so I believe that she indeed was a very tough woman herself. I was her first grandchild, maybe she wanted me to be tough because she wanted me to be like her. Because she knows that this world would never be easy.

From her, I learned the word of tough in a special way. I learned that we don’t have to be rude to be tough. We can still be very heartwarming and kind and funny and cheerful, and in the same time, we are tough. I know that she is a natural born leader, however she never had looked irritating, she lead politely in everywhere. A very special personality that I never get to met in other persons.

So when I listened to this “marjorie” song, I was like. Can’t hold my tears anymore. Because, I realized that I miss my grandma. I miss her so much, that I wish I could listen to her stories more. I wish I could learn from her more. But I know, the most important thing right now is I wish her the best place up there.

My grandmother and the little me.
My grandmother and the little me.

Till we meet again, Mamih.

P.S. Thank you Taylor Swift for creating such a touching song. Thank you for remind me this very special feeling that I had to my grandmother.

Nam Do San – The Misunderstood Beautiful Soul

Firstly, I must take off my hat to the creator team of Start-Up series. To the writer, the director, the production team and of course the actors and actresses, I give my big applause to you all. I am happy watching this series because I learned a lot from the characters and the story. Although I must say, the fan-war between Team Do San vs Team Ji Pyeong has put me off too. It was at first the usual taking sides of the first lead or second lead, but later, it became somehow more toxic. In many platforms of social media, I often saw hatred comments from one team toward another. Even some of verified accounts of social media made me disappointed by how they use the words in reviewing the certain characters. I must say that, it is the first time for me to find this toxic behaviors amongst the Kdrama fans. The place that once I thought could be my forever safe and happy place, suddenly turned into a scary place filled with filthy words and disrespects (even towards the actors itself, unbelievable). I have been processing my thoughts for days, asking myself why do I get annoyed by them, why do I feel that something is wrong. Not many people in my surrounding is Do San’s supporter like me. So I have this long conversations between some of my closest persons (you know who you are, thank you for being born, LOL) who thinks and feels like me which got me concluded that what happened so far has been crossing the line. Their comments have somehow underestimated my values in life and that’s when I get offended personally. Just like everybody else in this world, who holds certain values in their life. I believe, I too, have to explain and defend my own values. Not to be validated as the more significant towards the other, rather to be listened, to be understood, and to show the people who might share the same values with me, that sometimes, we have to speak up our mind.

So, this article is fully dedicated to all the people who supports the character ‘Nam Do San’ in Start-Up Kdrama series. To the people who shares the same values with me and Nam Do San, who often feel misunderstood by the society we live with. To the people who feels discouraged by their emotion, or by the thoughts they have, and feel like an alien in this world. I want to say it out loud to you, that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! So please don’t be lonely, and let this my long preach started. LOL.

Below are the reasons of why do I prefer Nam Do San over Han Ji Pyeong all this time (Please be note that in my opinion both actors Nam Joo Hyuk and Kim Seon Ho played really well for their roles, although I have to say that Nam Joo Hyuk nailed it. His acting is so much improved since the last I saw him in Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo, I believe that he’s gonna be great if he keeps practicing to act. I hope he doesn’t discouraged by the toxic fans who say bad words to him.)

  1. Nam Do San is a manifestation of some of us who often feels misunderstood by our society. Because this society is often ruled by those who are extroverts, who is more vocal, who use their ‘Thinking’ more often than their ‘Feeling’, who believe that their way of life is the most perfect without even try to know or understand the various of perspectives in this life. Being the young ones, we tend to do everything recklessly, not everyone but I believe that when we were young, there was a time when we want to explore ourselves, to try everything we want, to run, to fall, to get up, to fall and to get up again, and finally learn from the mistakes we have made. Not everyone is lucky to find their strength from the very early age. Therefore, to grow and to be more mature is basically a learning process from our mistakes. And this life is indeed a long learning process, even when we became adult, the lesson still keep coming, to achieve our best self. I’m so glad to the character development of Nam Do San that the writer’s made for this story. We could see how that the pure heart is not changed even when he became successful and more confident.
  2. They said that Do San is a crybaby and manipulative sad-boy: For me he is the one who have successfully implemented one of the hardest life lesson which is ‘being vulnerable’. Being vulnerable in Brene Brown’s book “Daring Greatly” is not a weakness, on the contrary it is one of the strengths that a human can have. Vulnerability is defined by her as uncertainty, risks, and emotional exposures. There are so many quotes on her book that really resonates me and encourage myself, and I hope you too.. One of them is “Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can’t ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment’s notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow — that’s vulnerability.” From here we might have understand, that being vulnerable means to show up at the arena, to do something we believe in even if we might come to fail. Moreover, we can see that after Nam Do San admit his cheating in Math Olympiad, he was actually have started to stepping up his way to embrace his true self, to do what he wants, to follow his dreams, he knows that he might fail, but still he keeps doing it. There is this one of other Brene’s words that resonates me too, “We all have good and bad, dark and light, inside of us. But if we don’t come to terms with our shame, our struggles, we start believing that there’s something wrong with us – that we’re bad, flawed, not good enough – and even worse, we start acting on those beliefs. If we want to be fully engaged, to be connected, we have to be vulnerable.” I believe that we only can learn to feel worth when we are starting to be vulnerable, to know that there are risks embedded but we keep going anyway. Moreover, there is something that always intrigued me in the meaning of “tough love”. Sometimes, to showing our emotion in a right measurement and in the right place, is needed to grow up.
  3. They said that Do San can’t separate his personal feelings with the business: In my opinion, the most perfect job is when we are doing it wholeheartedly, whatever it is. See my keyword here ‘wholehearted’, it means that we are using our heart, our feelings in it. Establishing something (be it a business, a community, a movement, whatevs) is like raising a baby. Especially in the very early stage, we will be required to put our 100% of time to take care of it. It’s a cliché when we say ‘work life balance’ or ‘separating between personal emotion and business’ because in fact, as Susan Fowler wrote in one of the articles that I read in leadchangegroup.com, what a manager said to his individual team member could affect their work, livelihood, opportunities, status, income, mood, health, and/or well-being. So how come it is not personal? Moreover, in a normal condition (maybe not on this pandemic era), we spend 75% of our waking hours to do everything that connected to works – getting ready for work, getting to work, working, returning home from work, and decompressing. We as employees often spend more time interacting with coworkers than family members. “Yet managers believe their actions are not personal and just business? Are you kidding?” yeah, this is what she wrote and I really agree with this. We are not robot, and we shouldn’t try to be. Oh, and recently I listened to one of Pak Gita Wirjawan said in his interview with Putri Tanjung in youtube, that “..business should be emotional. Both emotional and rational.” He is a businessman and an educator himself, I believe that he said that because he has spent years in doing business and finally found the core of it.
  4. They said Do San is too immersed in his love and acting like a slave of love (bucin, in Bahasa): In my eyes, he’s just showing his love sincerely with his own way (which is coding), and I think it is very beautiful. He knows when he has to stop being beside his love and go away just like Seo Dal Mi wanted through their break up. He didn’t push his feeling towards Dal Mi, instead he keeps doing what he can to showing his love through coding, through NoonGil apps. That’s why he put his pride down and begging to Han Ji Pyeong to save the NoonGil apps. Because it is the only way he can connect to Dal Mi, to keep him showing his love to her. I imagine by the time he write coding for the apps, he actually write a love letter to Dal Mi. I also noted how he chose Seo Dal Mi to be Samsan Tech CEO over Won In Jae. Not only because he thought he might have a feeling towards her. He is logical enough to compare both of languages they used towards the team. Seo Dal Mi who put the tech team to be equal with her CEO position, not the In Jae’s language who already put the team as her subordinate. Oh, and let me say my opinion about the bad “slave of love” that actually embodied in the character of Han Ji Pyeong. In a couple of scenes, I found HJP with his rude nature forced his subordinate (Mr. Park Dong-Chun, his assistant) to take off his ‘Mentor’ T-shirts in public so that HJP could observe Seo Dal Mi at a close distance. Really in my opinion, his action is way more dangerous than NDS’s. He only thinks about Seo Dal Mi and negating other people feelings and dignity (even his own assistant who have worked with him in a long time). Moreover, the way that he volunteered to work in self driving cars project at 2STO because he thought just in case Dalmi doesn’t forget about their dream to work together with Samsan tech. His love toward Dalmi, I think is not making him a slave. Rather, he becomes stronger and more mature.
  5. They said Do San is a liar and taking what he doesn’t deserve : Back to the moment when NDS was admitting his cheating in Math Olympiad. What I see from his action is that he didn’t mean to steal the answer in the first place. I’m sorry but I have to make a comparison with what HJP did 15 yrs ago, using Halmoni‘s bank account to invest with real money. I, who happens to work in a bank could say that what he did is a fraud. It is actually a crime and he could be sentenced with Jail. Although Halmoni forgave him in the end, the fact that HJP also accused Halmoni taking his money is somewhat still unacceptable for me. Moreover, Do San also punished himself enough and forgetting the fact that he already solved another questions by his own. As a mere child, his heart was too pure that because of one simple line he accidentally say, he thought he didn’t deserve the prize (the line, which could mean nothing or might be not helping other contestant even if they saw it too, but in this case it was the Genius Do San that saw it). What little Do San did in the Olympiad made him down and he already imprisoned himself with his own feeling. But what HJP did for the last 15 years? I saw that HJP didn’t even think that he was wrong, he keeps shining brightly to make more money without feeling guilty. So looking at the both cases, if we have to fairly judge, NDS has already pay for his sin but not in HJP’s case. As for the relationship with Seo Dal Mi, NDS was wrong to use the fake Do San’s letter to start their encounter. That’s why, again, because his heart is too pure, he doesn’t feel comfortable all along. He keeps thinking that he should say the truth anyway. But, his first meeting with Dal Mi, I must say that it could be happened because of his own decision. He is moved by Dal Mi’s letters, he can sense that Dal Mi is a special soul that needed help from “Nam Do San”, he himself believe that he can help Dal Mi in a way (even before what HJP finally did to help him constructing the lie towards Dal Mi, which making it more complicated in the end). In my alternate universe, if HJP didn’t come at that night and helping NDS, I think NDS would tell the truth sooner to Dal Mi, even as soon as telling her the truth in that night. But again, HJP is getting in the way.. And for the Dal Mi’s feelings and actions towards NDS.. Dal Mi herself at first was confused when Halmoni asking her which NDS that she would prefer. However, the fact that the one who stood up for her often, was the real NDS, is something that Dal Mi knew by heart from the very beginning. The main reason that I think NDS is deserved Dal Mi’s heart is because we all know that after years has passed, and NDS was “letting Dal Mi go”, Dal Mi still thinking about him too. So, when we see that in the end Dal Mi choose NDS over HJP, it was because of NDS’s sincere actions after all that successfully moved Dal Mi’s heart. Also it is said that the couple are meant to be when something breaks them apart but they could eventually found to each other in the end. It is a destiny.
  6. They said Do San doesn’t use his brain: Well, for me I think, this comment is purely a groundless hatred from the toxic fan of HJP. Because NDS is indeed a genius who could create such algorithms to solve many problems. Why he makes algorithm to solve a problem itself has shown us the deep and future thinker he is. He choose to approach a problem with a long term solution instead of solving it case by case with a short term solution. Yet, he is so humble that he still say that coding is the only thing he can do to help other, the activity that not everyone is as gifted as him to have a privilege of doing it. This is where I find the old proverbs from my country is so true.. Like the Rice Plants, the more they have contents, the more they will bow down (Seperti Padi, Kian Berisi, Kian Merunduk). In most scenes, I thought that not only Do San used his brains, he also use his compassion towards any event on his life. The thing that I almost miss from HJP character, to be compassionate. The fact that HJP doesn’t apologize to Dosan for whatever shady moves that he’s been doing, or even, I don’t see that he feels guilty at all. Rather, I get to see the scene where Dosan is asking her mother to prepare favorite side dish for HJP in the morning, even after he told HJP that he feels envy because he thought Dalmi has chosen HJP. But what, Dosan still remember this little detail about HJP and kind enough to give him the packed side dish. Can’t you all see how beautiful soul Dosan is?
  7. Whatever, Nam Dosan is just a big failure. Hmm, my heart.. please be still. How should I put this. Nam Dosan is one of the many characters that I’ve met in Kdrama that is very pure and kind. He has so much flaws yes of course. That is why I am more attracted to his character. He failed many times, but he learned, he back to the field, getting stronger than before. Like the machine learning concept that he’s told Dalmi. He showed that we, the humans, we have millions possibility to learn too. So what if we have to fail? He showed us that failing is not the end of the story. Because when we failed, we could learn. Life is a continuous development of ourselves after all.

All in all, I realized that as a Feeler person (someone who might have ‘F’ in their MBTI personality type) would prefer Nam Do San because he showed to us what a Feeler mostly experienced in their life. As a Feeler, we have compassion and a strong empathy towards others. These kind of people exists too in the world. Our feelings are valid, although it might get misunderstood or even get mocked by other type of people. Like I said in the beginning of this article, please don’t be discouraged by your personality and let yourself down. Let’s just embrace our souls, be true to ourselves and showing to the world our mind and compassions. Those people who are mocking our way of thinking is just having their own perspective in life and that’s okay. Every type of personality has its own strength and this world is doing well because we can collaborate with other type of personality as well.

What I also want to highlight is that there is no better between the Thinker and the Feeler, and I want to say it to you out there, the one who often misunderstand others: Stop insisting that your opinion is more valid than other’s. Stop thinking that you are the most righteous person in the world. Because, after all, even though you think you are smarter, more experienced, older, richer, etc. doesn’t mean that you know everything. Not everything you see with your own eyes is right because actually this world already full of deception. And like Little Prince said: what is essential is invisible to the eye.

The phenomenon of people who are team Dosan being bullied in social media platforms is something that made me lost for words too. I could make one long post itself to argue why I think that HJP character is so much flawed. But the fact that HJP fans are failed to see the flaws in this character and bullied the Dosan team mercilessly is way beyond my logic. And it brings me deeper to even the problem in our society. Why was team HJP is so in love with his character but why I think that this character is so no-no? Moreover, there are some of the fangirls of HJP who don’t even think that some of what HJP did is wrong, instead they worshipped him endlessly. Like, it got me more confused too. But, for now, I have to settle with the culprit as being ignorant. It is so sad, to see the fact that this behavior could lead us to the more destructive issue such as violence against women. They who don’t even see that what HJP did are some examples of psychological abusive, are somehow also mind blowing for me. It could also lead to victim blaming if we make this habit grows. And no wonder why this society still have not overcame with this problem, because in the first place, many of the people in our society don’t see anything wrong with the abusive itself, they even support this actions. Many people thought that it should have been left as it is, that we can’t really change much. But I refuse to that belief. Yes, we can change, the first step is to be aware and realize what is the real problem in our behavior. As the final episode has came, I’m so glad to see the reconciliation between Dosan and HJP. In the end, it is Dosan that grab HJP’s hand first and they hugged with each other. It’s not the most ideal like I had hoped for, but with that scene, I really hope the fan war out there is stopped immediately.

Lastly, as Pak Iskandar Waworuntu (the founder of Bumilangit Institute) also said that ignorance means the loss of wisdom. Which I super agree on this. The loss of wisdom is the root cause of a crisis, the beginning of the destruction of our realm. Where we have been exposed and surrendered to the system that established based on financial gain only. We often overlook nature and other creatures that might live even before us born into this world. So let’s together we practice to harness our conscience that might be ignored for all this time. To be an alarm for us whenever we cross the line, or when we are taking something from the nature excessively more than what we can digest, or even when without us knowing, when we are making other people or other creatures miserable. Therefore, I hope, we could make this world a better place than when we entered it.

Last Decade Lessons

It’s a new decade! How exciting it is..

I actually don’t really have goals or bucket list for every year, because whenever I made one, I easily forget about what I’ve written. Lol. But, since it’s a new decade, how about we wrap up with what I’ve learnt the most for these couple of years. It will be a good reminder for me too from time to time.

  1. You can always go to the totally opposite direction from where you were planning to go. And that’s okay. It could be beautiful too. I remembered that back then when I was in uni, I didn’t wanna work in a Bank. Funny that my first job was in a Bank, and up until now I still be friends with the people from my first workplace. I am really grateful for the people I met in there, for the lessons that I had, for the friendship which have been a family to me too.
  2. You can change your personality to be a better version of yourself. It doesn’t mean that your soul changed whatsoever. It’s actually just discovering your other self that you haven’t met before. I am a shy person. I still remember that I was really shy in my first workplace. I didn’t talk a lot. Just a typical introvert person. There were some people who criticize me because of how quiet I am, and honestly I wanted to change too. I even hated my self for being too shy back then. As the days go by, when I already found my comfort zones, surrounded with the comfort people, I realized that I am not that shy anymore. What surprised me back then was there is one who didn’t believe that I am an introvert, because I was chatty, I could talk louder (yes, there were people who couldn’t hear to what I said because my voice is so soft.), I could laugh freely, I was so in my flow.
  3. Letting go is the hardest thing to do. But you can do it eventually. With a little help from the universe. I don’t like to be in a sad mode for a long time. I mean, it is important for us to acknowledge and intensely feel the sadness. So that we can move on. But being in a sad mode is tiring. And I realized that the important act between being sad and moving on is letting go. So I kinda want to master this skill. I can’t say that I can let go fast right now. However, I found that we can set some distance to everything in this world, to make letting go easier.
  4. It is important to reconnect with our God. Sometimes, being in this world for too long can make us forget that actually everything is temporary. God has given the guide for our life to the holy book, and it is our loss when we are not searching and learning everything in it. Being reconnected to my God is the most indescribable feeling. It is like I am loved, and it is enough. More than enough actually. Our relationship with God might get loose sometimes, and it is our duty to make it tight again. God is always there, and we can always go to God. Everytime, everywhere, as long as we still alive.
  5. Know your limit, your weakness and your strength. Sometimes we get confuse because back in school, it was like we have to be better in every subject to get a predicate as Smart Kid. For kids, being a smart kid is one of the coolest thing we could have. What was wrong is that we don’t have to be good in everything. Because it is impossible to be good at everything. So when you sense that you are doing a toxic job, being with the toxic people, report to the toxic boss, then love yourself and stay away from them. Sometimes it is scary to not knowing where you are going, but you have intuition and it can lead us to the better place.
  6. Pleasing everybody is just a waste of time. As we get older, we get to know what kind of person we are. What kind of person that most connected to us. It is really important to just care to the right people. Our bestfriends, our family, our significant ones, our mentors, are the sample of type of people that we should be really care about. Other than that, we have to be very picky. It is for the sake of our mental wellness.
  7. Appreciate our gifts from God. Our health, our family, our relationship with the closest people. Sometimes, if we’re lucky our dreams can do come true. Enjoy them and be grateful for them. We are so often forget to appreciate these basic things and then taking them for granted. Not until God takes them away from us, we would know how important they were for us.
  8. We create impact from everything we did, so we have to act wisely. Honestly, I was a person who didn’t really care about environment. However, I manage to learn that we could either contribute to the greater good or the otherwise. This earth is crying, because of us. Our ignorance and recklessness have donated a lot of disasters. It’s in our hand whether we want to do something or just live shamelessly.
  9. The greatest wealth is to live content with little. When I heard about Konmari, I was so excited. I remembered that it was the first time I could really enjoy folding clothes and tidying up my spaces. I was interested in the minimalism too, although I couldn’t be that minimalist but I kinda get the point behind this way of life. I used to think that it is better to have things more, glad that I know it sooner before I have my own house so I would do better in my future one later.
  10. We can always start over. What is life actually if it’s not the collection of our start overs at something. Never be afraid to fall apart, because we actually have the opportunity to rebuild ourselves the way we wish we’d been all along. It would be hard, but it is a possible thing to do.

Oh, after making these recap.. Why do I feel that I am growing up! Yes, although there’s not a biggest change in my life from ten years ago, but knowing that I learn so much is somehow soothing me. We have our own path in life, just focus on our path. Let’s write what you have learnt too and share to me how cool is you now. 🙂

The Dream that Do Come True

Oh, how we are actually get romanticized by the phrase of “dreams”, especially “the dreams come true”. I used to look myself as a little girl who got many dreams and hopes, who sincerely wish that this world is filled with kind people and sustainable ecosystem, who think that there are miracles in this world. Well maybe i am still that little girl. So one day, my mom said to me that she wanna go to Japan and that she want me to join her. I always wanted to go there, since I forget when. Maybe when I watch Sailor Moon, or when I watch my first J Dorama Long Vacation many many many years ago. Yes, going to Japan has been my dream, for all along.

The thing about trip with mum is, uncertainty. Not until the very last few weeks that the trip would still be on, not cancelled (as they used to be). And finally, suddenly I was going to Japan. Wait, it’s not the beauty and majesty of Japan that I wanna tell here. Of course Japan is so magical and I really enjoyed my time there. But the highlight of this event is how do I experience the dream come true. I don’t know how to put this but I think God give me this experience in a way, to heal my broken heart. A broken heart because of forever temporary (I’ve posted a story about this).

I have been planning, I’ve made some calculation actually, I was supposed to go to Japan in the next few year, maybe 2 or 3 years later. But God’s time is so amazing. I could go there this year and I still couldn’t believe it myself that I have actually cross that list. I have fulfilled it. Maybe it was after Japan trip that I started to feel losing the burden on my shoulders. Because after all, really, God has a unique way to teach us the lesson. It was very hard for me to let go some thing, but after I try to, God give me the sweetener. I don’t know if everyone will experience the exact same thing about dreams that do come true. But I came to the conclusion that, some of our dreams will come true in an explainable way after we make sacrifice or let go the things that we’ve been kept for a long time. Maybe God wanted to teach me that we can not get everything we want at the same time, and every thing has its own time limit: so when the limit is fulfilled we have to say good bye.

I also used to think that it’s impossible for me to let thing go especially if I want it forever be with me. But, in this very unique way, I learned that I can handle that, and well.. I am  not actually losing this thing because sometimes the thing is just being evolved, transformed into a new “model” and somehow we would feel enough of it. 

In conclusion, I want to take this moment for me to also learn that dreams that do come true is very beautiful. However, there’s a price that we have to pay to make it true. If it’s really your dream, and it’s good (not harm for any other creatures), then it will be the fair price. One thing that I know after this, I will still believe, I will still hope, I will still dream, especially for a good cause. Because I know, it will be worth it.


Forever Temporary

I actually got that phrase couple years ago. It was a cigarette advertising billboard but somehow it made me thinks about life in general. I couldn’t get the meaning instantly, instead I kept that in my mind and used to make a conversation about it, also in my mind. And it really stroked me. Because I was agree and secretly hope for that. I know that there is no happy ever after in this life. Because we are actually like walking in a conveyor belt. Time will run no matter how we try to be in a certain phase. In my case, I am stucked at the child phase. It seems that I could not move on and being a true adult. Somehow in my brain, I secretly wish that all of my family and friends will still be there, nothings changed, beside me forever.

Until I watched the last sequel of How To Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World, and seeing how Hiccup and Toothless become. No I was not crying, the mother and son beside me were though. I had an indescribable irritating feel in my heart. I got reminded of the phrase. I got reminded of how our life could be so ended without any warning at all. I got reminded that we at some points have to let our best friends go, our families go, our favorite people go. Suddenly I felt very lonely. I don’t wanna it be over. I don’t wanna be a stranger to them and they are to me. But I know, that it is impossible. I think I am too stuck at the child phase. I can’t let them go sincerely. No matter how often we meet, at some points our siblings can not really care that much about us anymore. No matter how close and aligned we are, at some points our best friends have to live with their chosen ones and living their own life. Sooner or later.. well in my case it is sooner. We become their less priority, and then we become just a good memory. The laughs, the tears and the dreams that we’ve shared become stories that kept inside our mind. It is the hard truth for me. But I guess, it is the lesson that God wants me to learn. I actually got this lesson since I was a kid but I didn’t realize it yet.

Maybe, I refuse to become a true adult. Maybe a peter pan is real after all. I don’t know how to excel this kind of lesson. I don’t know how to put my emotion and to react about all of them. One thing that I know that, maybe, I will always believe that The Temporary things in my life actually could remain forever in my heart.

Jiwa Yang Murni

Saya mendedikasikan tulisan ini untuk seorang kawan yang belum lama saya kenal, namun entah bagaimana mampu meninggalkan kesan yang begitu dalam. Bukan hanya bagi saya, tetapi juga bagi orang lain. Siapapun yang pernah bertemu dan bekerja dengannya. Saya mendedikasikan tulisan ini untuk seorang pendidik sejati, seorang sukarelawan sejati, seorang pahlawan tanpa tanda jasa. Ini untukmu kawan, yang telah bahagia dalam pelukan Nya.

Ratusan langkah telah kau tempuh.

Tak terhitung berapa peluh yang meluruh.

Apa yang kau cari wahai Tuan?

Apa yang kau ingin buktikan wahai Tuan?

Kesedihan itu bersamamu. Aku tahu.

Namun, kau memilih untuk selalu tersenyum. Kau memilih untuk bersinar.

Kau memilih untuk membagikan sinarmu kepada dunia yang gelap. Karena apa?

Karena hanya kau yang mampu.

Sungguh dunia ini telah kehilangan. Satu lagi jiwa yang murni. Jiwa yang mampu melebur dengan serangkaian hina dina dan menjadikannya mutiara.

Aku tak sempat ucapkan kata berpisah.

Karena siapa yang ingin kau pergi?

Kuyakin tak satupun nafas yang ingin kau pergi dari sini.

Aku tak sempat menelaahmu.

Menyingkap tabir rahasia dan mimpimu.

Aku tak sempat mengucapkan rasa syukurku.

Karena telah mengijinkanku mengenalmu.

Karena telah mengajarkanku apa arti sesungguhnya ketulusan.

Wahai Tuan yang memiliki jiwa yang murni.

Izinkanlah aku mempersembahkan doa tulusku. Agar kesulitan, kesedihan, tangisan, dan derita yang kau pernah rasakan di dunia ini sirna. Agar kau hanya merasakan ketenangan dan kebahagiaan.

Kami memang tak mampu menyingkap tabir rahasia dan mimpimu.

Tapi perkenankanlah kami meneruskan perjuanganmu.

Untuk selalu memurnikan jiwa kami.

Untuk selalu membagikan sinar kami.

Untuk selalu menerangi dunia yang gelap ini.

Walaupun kau Wahai Tuan.

Telah pergi.

Do It Today

Have you ever feel afraid to do what you actually wanted to do? Think you will do it later, maybe if you have the chance, if you have the time, when somehow universe accidentally made you finally do it? Well, let’s go through these thoughts once again together. Because I assume, it might change the way you see yourself.

I failed in many things. Most of us did. We’re exposed to the pattern of ideal life since we’re kids. From school, we have to study to get a good grade, to pass the test, to graduate. Then, we shall get a good job, a prestigious one if we can. Followed by a master degree. Or marriage and not to forget having the cute little kids. A perfect life as we might see. But how many of you successfully doing all of them without any failures? How many of you feel that following those pattern is easy peasy and effortlessly? You’re the ones who raised your hand must be grateful, because you’re lucky. Not everyone could follow these pattern easily. There are times when we have to face the failure, and we’d stop trying. I see that moment as the intersection of life stairs. The situation in where we are seeing the stairs to the upper level or down to the lower level.


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The lower level is like the past time. We are familiar with those. We know what we have to do, who are our supporters, who are the ones we should keep the distance to. The upper level is the mystery. The future. We don’t know what we’ll get, whether happiness or sadness. Will we success or will we have to face the failure again. The intersection of stairs is when we are in the process of making a decision. Will we go down or up? However, realized or not, we sometimes delay this moment longer than it should have been.

Sometimes, after many failures, or it can be because of just one failure (the ultimate that really breaks your heart). We are afraid of taking the stairs up. We are afraid of the future. We think we’re not ready. We save it for later. Save the best for the last, like people said. But hey.. Do you think you can control your time of being here in this world? Nope. I think we don’t. We can’t change what happened yesterday, and we can not sure about tomorrow. What we can control is today. The present. This is the only time that you got. Today.

Ever heard a story of a woman who save her prettiest scarf to wear it on her most special day but in the end, her husband say that she didn’t wear it at all until the day she died? Unconsciously, we’re thinking that we can delay things. We’re so confident that we have all the time so we save it for later. Well, we’re not. Actually, we live in very the limited time. So let’s together we embrace ourselves. Start the baby step to do what you want and make the decision. Today.

My Game Over

I think I’m messed up. I am a fool who always have the dream. But I don’t dare to dream. I am not tough, I am so vulnerable. I am really, really sensitive. I thought I had this superpower to sense a true motive of a person. However, I am not always right. To sum up, I am so ordinary. I am just a girl who thinks differently from others.

Sometimes I don’t have any idea of what  I wanna do in life. The other times, I feel like I’ve burned my spirit so high to initiate something or to be where I thought I am belonged to. It’s not easy. It’s never easy, and I am so afraid of being alone. Unfortunately, being alone is a destiny of people like me. People who have unusual thoughts running back and forth in their mind.

Sometimes I feel like I am an alien. Being different from your surroundings could drain your energy too much. Because you put extra effort to fit in. You put extra effort to be comfortable with yourself and your surroundings. You will have the periods of wanting to get lost. You will have the periods of really really sick with your environment and even with yourself. You will have the periods of thinking who you really are, what do you want, what are you gonna do, and how to do that. And you face a dead end.

I thought I can finally throw my dreams into the trash bin. Forget them and start another dreams. However, I guess they right. They said, no matter how you think you over with something, if it’s meant to be then it will somehow find its way back to you. Like my dreams now. I know I said to myself. I know I convinced myself, that it was a game over for me. I have to move on. But you know.. It’s like when we used to play video games.. When it’s game over, doesn’t mean you can’t restart and play again, right?

So here I am. Really really really afraid. Because I am about to digging the graves where my dreams are already buried. I know I’m messed up. I know I am a fool. But this is who I am. Maybe I will face another failure. Maybe I will face another game over. However, my game over actually not really that over. How about yours?