Menyadari

Butuh waktu lama bagiku menyadari,

Apa yang sebenarnya aku cari,

Selalu mengelabui diri.

Sudah sekian waktu kumenunggu,

Apa yang sebenarnya aku tuju,

Hanya mendengar deru.

Dan aku tidak mengerti,

Dan mungkin tidak akan pernah mengerti,

Mengapa mereka tidak melihatnya,

Mengapa ini terlihat jelas bagiku?

 

Ataukah memang, hanya aku yang dapat menyadarinya?

 

Tujuan yang pernah terlupakan.

yang harus ditempuh dengan perjalanan yang menakutkan.

Karena aku akan sendirian.

Lalu kini aku meragu,

dalam kesepian dan kesendirian itu.

Apakah aku mampu?

A little light

How many times have you thought to give up?

To smell and see what actually peaceful is

Your sorrow

Your fear

I can never feel them

But if you ever think to give up

Please find your guardian angel

She is right beside you

Telling you that you can pass this

Hardships and sweats

Tears and bloods

No one can count them

Not even you

But it is not about how you brave

it is not about how you strong

it is not about how you stand up

it is not about how you are loved

it is about to postpone your desire

it is about to lie to your brain

it is about to let the guardian angel take control

it is about to be free from your own mind

it is about to find the hidden treasure of your life

because every life is precious

even if you think yours not

you have to dig deeper and explore more

no matter how tempting to go from here

you have to discover a little light in your heart

and please whisper this to your ears

“No. Not today.”

 

The Price for a Throne

It takes me a while to process the ending of Game of Thrones. Many fans will agree with me that the last season is somehow butchered and lead to many disappointments. Including me at first. However, as the endings of many movies and series that have grown up with me, I am started to think and what the lesson could be learn from what I see. For me, reading and watching is not merely consumption. It’s an investment. So no matter how bad script we thought the last season Game of Thrones is, I still find the invaluable lesson behind, like every season of that series. So, I applaud for those creators and actors who made GoT a ruthless teacher that force us to process the lesson that we used to avoid.

Let me share who are my favorite characters of this series. From the very beginning, I always like the 3 characters: Jon Snow, Daenerys and Arya Stark. Led me actually afraid too because when my friend’s favorite characters suddenly died, mine are still there till the last season. The reason behind it because as the extreme happy ending devotee, I want them to have their happy ending, really.  Well, if you’re a fan too, we know how the ending for them. Can’t really say it was happy wasn’t it?

But, I remembered of how I thought of the title for the very first time. We just realized why the title using the Game instead of Battle, or other formal word to tell a story about a throne. The definition of winning and losing are blurred here. Can we really say Daenerys win the throne? Can we really say Cersei lost the game? The definition of winning for me is a peaceful heart after fulfilled the goals with a good result. But in the game of thrones, I think we could never achieve both of them. I don’t know why we glorify the taste of being in a throne without the fair explanation of how much blood and tears have fallen in order to obtain that throne. Can one really be peaceful at heart knowing that they become a murderer? Can other’s sin could justify us to make sentence of others? Can one’s misfortune could legalize massacre that they commit?

I somehow think about how could be a Game of Thrones in modern era. Makes me sad that many people still glorify the throne and closing their heart and eyes for the price of it. I think this is what the creators wanna say to us. We could be wrong no matter how smart we think we are. Whom we follow, we give our loyalty to, could somehow change and becoming the evil we want to kill. For me, starting from now being in a throne must be exposed as the most most difficult duty, not because of how hard we have to persuade people to follow us or how high we have to pay to build the undefeated army,  but because of how lonely and restless it is.

Forever Temporary

I actually got that phrase couple years ago. It was a cigarette advertising billboard but somehow it made me thinks about life in general. I couldn’t get the meaning instantly, instead I kept that in my mind and used to make a conversation about it, also in my mind. And it really stroked me. Because I was agree and secretly hope for that. I know that there is no happy ever after in this life. Because we are actually like walking in a conveyor belt. Time will run no matter how we try to be in a certain phase. In my case, I am stucked at the child phase. It seems that I could not move on and being a true adult. Somehow in my brain, I secretly wish that all of my family and friends will still be there, nothings changed, beside me forever.

Until I watched the last sequel of How To Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World, and seeing how Hiccup and Toothless become. No I was not crying, the mother and son beside me were though. I had an indescribable irritating feel in my heart. I got reminded of the phrase. I got reminded of how our life could be so ended without any warning at all. I got reminded that we at some points have to let our best friends go, our families go, our favorite people go. Suddenly I felt very lonely. I don’t wanna it be over. I don’t wanna be a stranger to them and they are to me. But I know, that it is impossible. I think I am too stuck at the child phase. I can’t let them go sincerely. No matter how often we meet, at some points our siblings can not really care that much about us anymore. No matter how close and aligned we are, at some points our best friends have to live with their chosen ones and living their own life. Sooner or later.. well in my case it is sooner. We become their less priority, and then we become just a good memory. The laughs, the tears and the dreams that we’ve shared become stories that kept inside our mind. It is the hard truth for me. But I guess, it is the lesson that God wants me to learn. I actually got this lesson since I was a kid but I didn’t realize it yet.

Maybe, I refuse to become a true adult. Maybe a peter pan is real after all. I don’t know how to excel this kind of lesson. I don’t know how to put my emotion and to react about all of them. One thing that I know that, maybe, I will always believe that The Temporary things in my life actually could remain forever in my heart.

About Loss

My heart is so heartbroken because of the JT 610 accident. Not only because it was so sudden, but also until now, we don’t really know what was happening up there. On that day, my mother and little brother were also have flight from Jakarta and to Jakarta. Can you imagine how worried I am. And I’m sure, many people out there whose family or their loved ones that were flying, must have shared the same feeling with me. The saddest thing was, I don’t know why but many of the victims were happen to be someone I know, my friend’s family, or the family’s friend. So I am truly feel the loss.

Therefore, I made a poetry for the people who deal with this kind of sudden loss. My thoughts and prayers with you all.

 

We will never know, When

We will never know, Who

We will never know, Why

Sometimes we think we are weak

that the end of the world has finally come for us

However, I believe that as hard as it seems to be

Eventually, with the miracle of time

We will have the ability to let go.

But now, or for the longest time that we might need

Just cry, scream,

let your heart explode

and let the tears fall

to sense all that grieve slash our heart

so here is my sincere pray for you

to be able to rise again

and finally, accept

 

Jiwa Yang Murni

Saya mendedikasikan tulisan ini untuk seorang kawan yang belum lama saya kenal, namun entah bagaimana mampu meninggalkan kesan yang begitu dalam. Bukan hanya bagi saya, tetapi juga bagi orang lain. Siapapun yang pernah bertemu dan bekerja dengannya. Saya mendedikasikan tulisan ini untuk seorang pendidik sejati, seorang sukarelawan sejati, seorang pahlawan tanpa tanda jasa. Ini untukmu kawan, yang telah bahagia dalam pelukan Nya.

Ratusan langkah telah kau tempuh.

Tak terhitung berapa peluh yang meluruh.

Apa yang kau cari wahai Tuan?

Apa yang kau ingin buktikan wahai Tuan?

Kesedihan itu bersamamu. Aku tahu.

Namun, kau memilih untuk selalu tersenyum. Kau memilih untuk bersinar.

Kau memilih untuk membagikan sinarmu kepada dunia yang gelap. Karena apa?

Karena hanya kau yang mampu.

Sungguh dunia ini telah kehilangan. Satu lagi jiwa yang murni. Jiwa yang mampu melebur dengan serangkaian hina dina dan menjadikannya mutiara.

Aku tak sempat ucapkan kata berpisah.

Karena siapa yang ingin kau pergi?

Kuyakin tak satupun nafas yang ingin kau pergi dari sini.

Aku tak sempat menelaahmu.

Menyingkap tabir rahasia dan mimpimu.

Aku tak sempat mengucapkan rasa syukurku.

Karena telah mengijinkanku mengenalmu.

Karena telah mengajarkanku apa arti sesungguhnya ketulusan.

Wahai Tuan yang memiliki jiwa yang murni.

Izinkanlah aku mempersembahkan doa tulusku. Agar kesulitan, kesedihan, tangisan, dan derita yang kau pernah rasakan di dunia ini sirna. Agar kau hanya merasakan ketenangan dan kebahagiaan.

Kami memang tak mampu menyingkap tabir rahasia dan mimpimu.

Tapi perkenankanlah kami meneruskan perjuanganmu.

Untuk selalu memurnikan jiwa kami.

Untuk selalu membagikan sinar kami.

Untuk selalu menerangi dunia yang gelap ini.

Walaupun kau Wahai Tuan.

Telah pergi.

Berbaringlah

Dulu, ketika kau dan aku bersama-sama berlari melintasi taman ini.

Kau tiba-tiba menarik tanganku dan menjatuhkan punggung kita di atas rumput-rumput hijau ini.

Aku yang tak suka kotor dan basah menjadi geram seketika akan tingkah polahmu.

“Berbaringlah”

katamu.

“Aku tak mau.”

teriakku.

“Berbaringlah!”

Pintamu.

“Tidak!”

“Berbaringlah”

“Tidak mau!”

“Berbaringlah! Percayalah padaku!”

Lalu kuingat saat itu. Perasaanku yang melunak. Dan mengikuti ide gilamu. Aku berbaring di atas rumput-rumput hijau yang setengah basah. Mencoba menjauhkan pikiran atas gaun merah jambu ku yang sudah pasti terkena noda.

“Lihatlah awan itu!”

Dan kulihat awan itu bergerak perlahan. Segala hal tidak penting yang memenuhi pikiranku tiba-tiba perlahan hilang. Perasaan damai seketika menghampiri pikiran dan hatiku. Berbaring dan melihat awan adalah salah satu hal terindah yang pernah kualami.

Aku tak akan pernah lupa saat itu. Saat dimana kita melihat awan bersama. Saat dimana aku meyakini, hanya kaulah yang bisa memahamiku.

Namun kini, aku tahu aku yang harus membisikkan padamu.

Berbaringlah sahabatku. Berbaringlah yang tenang, Sayang. Berbaringlah sampai aku menyusulmu pada suatu waktu.

Berbaringlah.

Kini kau bisa melihat awan sepuasmu.

 

Surrender

The air is dark now, my mind is clouded
I cannot see and I cannot feel
The hardest hit has torn my skin
I cannot cry and I cannot yell
What is life?
Since my eyes meet this world,
What I can smell is only despair
The only beauty I ever saw was the sun
When it rose
When it set
And now, they even take it away from me
From us
We cannot fight
Every time we tried, our lives always diminished
We cannot dream
Every time we tried, our sleep never ended
Then, is it wrong for us to craving for the touch of death angel?
Maybe,
Somewhere in another world,
I see the sunrise
I smell the sunset
I am fighting
I am dreaming
I am
Living.

Pengakuan

Siapa yang kau lihat?

Kuukirkan senyum termanis yang kumampu. Kuberikan sinar mata tercantik yang kupunya. Kuantarkan hati yang tulus untuk kau selami.

Namun siapa yang kau lihat dibalik itu semua?

Apakah kau melihatku? Atau imaji-imaji yang kubuat untuk menutupi luka besar yang tertoreh dalam jiwaku?

Berikan jawaban padaku dengan duduk dan tatapan itu. Tunjukkan padaku apakah kau betul-betul memahamiku?

Seperti yang selama ini kau ucapkan padaku. Kau merasakan apa yang kupikirkan. Itu ujarmu.

Lalu.

Jawab aku.

Apakah kau tahu, perasaanku. Padamu. Pada diriku. Pada kita.

Sejujurnya, aku pun tak memahaminya, aku tak ingin mengakuinya.

Maka kumohon bantu aku,

siapakah yang kau lihat?

Mendambakanmu

Angin.

Kau adalah angin yang berhembus. Menggoreskan guratan senyuman pada hatiku yang terluka.

Kau adalah angin yang berhembus. Meniupkan nafas gembira dalam pikiranku yang tersesat.

Kau adalah angin, sesuatu yang menyejukkan.

Yang hadir di antara terik-terik kehidupan.

Yang membawa segenggam harapan dan menaburkannya di atas wajah kusam kehidupan.

Kau adalah angin yang berhembus di dalam hatiku. Tepat ketika aku mendambakanmu.

Tenang angin, aku tahu. Kau tidak dapat berhembus selamanya di hatiku.

Pergilah.

Tapi aku yakin, suatu saat kau pasti kembali.

Tepat ketika aku mendambakanmu.